The Big ‘O’ and the Power of Persuasion over Korean Men

By: Brittany S

For those of you who don’t know, the big ‘O’(TBO) has A LOT of influence over Korean men.  That’s right, I said it.  TBO is your friend.  It can get you any and everything you want from a man.  If you want a free meal, concert ticket, ride, outfit, etc, TBO is the way to get it. There’s much satisfaction to be had.  He loves hearing his name.  Say it loud, say it proud!  It just sweetens the deal.

This "Big O" is awesome and in Korea, but I'm not quite sure if it has any power over Korean men.                                       (As Seen in "Odd Stuff Magazine" via Google Images)

Ok, let me quit playing with y’all before you lose focus of what this blog is all about haha. TBO does have some REALLY strong persuasion over Korean men; it even works on men you don’t know.  But TBO that I am referring to is NOT the one you may have initially thought.  I am talking about the word 오빠 (“Oppa”—means older brother).  Within the Korean language, there are several levels of familiarity.  When a woman becomes close with a man who is (slightly) older than her, it is common practice that she will address this man as오빠.  By her acknowledging him as such, she is saying she expects him to look out for her in the way that an older brother would (mostly).  He will buy her food, take her places, offer her words of wisdom, etc.  In turn, she will be appreciative and will do him favors like store runs, etc.  Even though it sounds more like she just takes and he gives, he is truly happy to be able to be her 오빠.  It makes him feel like (for a lack of a better way to say it,) “the man.”  I have an오빠.

Remember earlier I wrote about what I did on Children’s Day?  Well, I spent that day with my 오빠.  He made sure I was included in his family’s festivities, picked me up, fed me, and made sure I had a good time.  All he wanted in return was to see that I was happy.  He is such a sweet man and our relationship really is no more than an older brother/little sister relationship.  He says I’m his first foreign little sister. :-)  He and his wife invite me over occasionally just to make sure that I have a good home-cooked meal in my system from time to time.  They always make sure to throw in a meat since they know I like meat so much (Koreans mostly eat veggies).  They told me to call them (even though they don’t speak English very well) if I ever need anything.  Once, my 오빠 decided to drive out of town just to take me to TGI Fridays so I could have “American fooduh” and “steakuh.”  I never really ate much at Friday’s when I lived in America, but how awesome is that to have someone surprise you with a trip out of town just to get a taste of home?

The cool man in the shades is my 오빠. :-)

Another time, after he treated me to brunch at a local restaurant, he asked me if I wanted to take a drive.  Because of the broken English, I initially thought he was asking me if I wanted to go driving.  I panicked—I’m terrified of driving in Korea.  I eventually understood and agreed.  Again he drove me out of town, this time to a beautiful lake with swan paddle boats, live music, and ice cream sundaes.  What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  After these few experiences, I have decided that wherever he decides to take me is ok by me.  I am moving to another city soon for a new job and without hesitation, my 오빠 told me he will help me move.  He will take a personal day off from work so he can make the trip.  I love that man!  All of this because I called him오빠 one day.  (If you are wondering what the favors are that I do for him it’s simple; I speak English.  I help him and his son to practice English as well as enlighten him a bit on Western culture.)

Now, MY 오빠 relationship is strictly platonic.  HOWEVER, this is the SAME word that a girl will call a guy she is dating.  In this case, the word takes on a bit more of a manipulative power.  It pretty much puts the woman in control of the relationship.  Like any power, it can be used for good or evil.  Take a look at this:

These girls posted this in jest, but there is a whole lotta truth to what they said (note: they also said there is a certain WAY you have to say it.  They are dead on with that one, definitely).  Neither they nor I am advocating that you trick a Korean man (or any man for that matter) into being with you; being yourself is most important.  But if you find yourself in an area that draws a younger Korean crowd, you are definitely going to see or hear some version of this at some point.  Now whether these girls are being sincere or scheming is to be determined, but either way, TBO is the way to go.  I have even seen girls walk up to people on the street and ask them for something and just watched the guy melt as the girl walked away.

I tried to think of an equivalent to this word in American culture but I couldn’t really do it justice.  I know some women say “Daddy,” but that one usually leans more on the sexual side and wouldn’t explain how this word works for platonic relationships.  Other words like “baby” or “honey” still lean on the relationship side.  I think this word is unmatched.  It’s AWESOME!

Today’s lesson was brought to you by the letter ‘O’.  Thanks for tuning in!

Just the Two of Us, Living Abroad and Married

July, 2012—Cha Jones, ContributingAuthor

Recently ayoung lady in our Women of Color Living Abroad FaceBook Group posted this comment/question,

"Living abroadis a wonderful and fulfilling experience and I'm so glad to have traveled andlived outside of my home country. Making the most of years I hope to get out ofmy life. For those who've yet to be married and start a family (and have plansto do so), how have you re-evaluated your plans in terms of living abroadeither long-term or short term? I've concludedthat while I love traveling and have enjoyed my experience living abroad, I'dmuch rather meet my partner and start a family in my own country, and then dosome traveling together to share the experience. Whether I live abroadlong-term again as wife and mother has yet to be determined, but for thosewomen who're married and/or have kids and are living abroad, what's your story?”

So,I thought that I would take a moment and interview the very first couple to be on WOCLA, Curtis andMichelle Howe, who are living and working abroad in the UAE, but are originally from London England.

After readingabout Curtis and Michelle I would love to hear your comments about travelingwith a spouse, having a relationship while traveling, and/or your thoughts on movinghome to establish a relationship even if you still love living abroad.

Interview with Curtis and MichelleHowe

Where are the two of you from?

We are both from London,England

How did youmeet?

Weattended the same church

What do youdo professionally?

Michelle-Iam an Elementary School Teacher

Curtis-Iam a Project Manager in the Oil & Gas Sector

In whichcountry and city are the two of currently living?

AbuDhabi, UAE

Where wereyou living before you moved to Abu Dhabi?

Weboth were living in London, England where we are from.

How longhave you been in Abu Dhabi?

Wehave only been in Abu Dhabi for 18 months

What othercountries have you lived in prior to moving to Abu Dhabi? Michelle-Ihave only lived in my native city and country, London, England

Curtis-Ihave lived in London, England as well as Canada

If you don’tmind how old are you?

Curtis-I am 38 Michelle- Iam 33

If you don’tmind, what is your religious faith? Has your faith ever played a role in yourlifestyle (good or bad) while living in Abu Dhabi?Weare Christians. Through prayer and faithwe have been able to transition ourselves into the unfamiliar and move intoGod’s purpose for our lives in Abu Dhabi.

What was thereason that you moved to Abu Dhabi? (If for work please explain the process andwhat you do) Michelle-I moved here because I wanted to gain international experience of teachingabroad and widen my travel opportunities. I was recruited through teachaway.comand currently teach English to Emirati students.

Curtis-I have always been fascinated by Arabic culture and The Middle East.

What was thebiggest thing that you had to adjust to when you first moved to Abu Dhabi?

Thebiggest thing about moving here would have to be not expecting things to bedone when you want them to happen. Patience is the key!

Michelle,what is the worst thing about living abroad for you?

Missingfamily occasions in London.

Curtis, whatis the worst thing about living abroad for you?

Beingable to run in the middle of the day because its cooler.

What is thebest thing about living in Abu Dhabi?

Theglorious sunshine! The Corniche beach feels like I’m permanently on holiday!

Is race everan issue?

Curtis-Iam being constantly regarded as Sudanese or South African. When the locals findout I’m Western, personal attention becomes better.

Was thereever a time where you had to be apart? If so, for how long and what was thatlike?

WhenCurtis had to go away on business, we soon realized that being together is anessential part of survival in a strange land.

Consideringthat the two of you are married, is there anything that you would tell singlestraveling along to help them if they do desire to be married?

Continueto explore life’s possibilities, travel and have fun. It’san old cliché-but love WILL find you!

Curtis, Ican imagine that living in Abu Dhabi as a man is much different for you, thanit is for Michelle? Are there anycultural differences that would leave you concerned for Michelle or her safety?

Ihave no concerns for Michelle’s safety whatsoever because the crime rate isextremely low here.

Michelle, isit difficult being a woman in a male dominated Muslim country? If, so why orwhy not?

Thereis a current drive here for local women to be in the workplace and have aprofession which is encouraging to see compared to other Islamic countries.

Do you thinkliving abroad together as a couple has helped your relationship? If so, in whatway has it helped?

Definitely!As a couple you learn to rely upon each other as you only have each other.There are no distractions from well-meaning family members.

Do you planon having a family?

Nowe don’t plan on having a family.

What otherplaces other countries would you consider living in?

Japanand Jamaica.

A growingnumber of young Blacks are moving overseas to work and many of themare single, what do you think is the best thing about having your spouse withyou on this adventure? Havinga spouse with you while moving overseas amounts to travelling with your bestfriend and sharing lifetime experiences. We aim to be a blessing to others.

If you were singlewhat in your life would be different?

Michelle: Nothing. I am happy with my life.

Curtis: I would date Michelle sooner than I did!

The bigquestion many singles who are traveling overseas alone are faced with is datingand some, I would imagine more women, ponder on going home to find asignificant other. Now, I know that you two are married, but what advice wouldyou have for those who want to be married, but also want to travel and see theworld? Iknow a few friends who have taken a leap of faith and travelled abroad and havemet their significant other! They are currently planning weddings! Love canalso be found outside of the State or country you are presently living in.

What advicewould you give other Black couples who may want to consider livingabroad, but have their fears? Weencourage others to look outside of the box and explore new opportunities madeavailable to them. Living abroad does come with its challenges and low times,but in the long run it opens your eyes to new opportunities and dreams thatgoes beyond your comfort zone.

“The brave man is not he who does not feelafraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ― Nelson Mandela.

Curtis, canyou take a moment speak to young black men who may not even be consideringliving abroad? What would you tell them about that could change their lives? Youshould be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Trust in God, bedeliberate and afraid of nothing.

Michelle,what would be your advice to young black women who may want to live abroad, butare scared they may be forfeiting a chance for a relationship?

Youonly have one life to live-live it to the fullest!!

Travel, Education and Black American Children: Concerns of Two Parents on the Move

by Rukiya McNair


Lately, I’ve found myself in a predicament of sorts. You see, being a lover of travel and adventurer... whilst being a mommy of two toddlers does not always go hand-in-hand.  True, my children loved Washington D.C., St. Croix and they also love their home here in Puerto Rico.  As my husband and I contemplate our next move to such places as Jamaica, Bahrain, Indonesia, or even the United States, we also have to take into account the two little people who are on this journey with us. Our daughter will be ready for school soon and it is imperative to us that she receives, what we deem, the best education.  Prior to coming to Puerto Rico I was set on sending her to an international school, preferably abroad. We do however, love it here in Puerto Rico and have contemplated staying on several occasions.

"Remember, this is Puerto Rico, USA"

We’ve been looking into schools here, which to be honest, aren’t the best… we were, however, pointed to a “great” school that isn’t far from where we are living. So, hearing about how wonderful this school is from several people I eventually decided to check it out…on the internet.  What I found was both interesting and disappointing. I logged on to website; it looked pretty good at first…until I decided to take a look at the photos. Sigh. What I saw next was probably the epitome of ignorant American culture (as a Puerto Rican friend of mine always says, "Remember, this is Puerto Rico, USA”)…children at their school’s annual “Harvest Fest” dressed up as “Indians” eating all the “traditional” Thanksgiving fixings. It is this very reason why people don’t like America- the blatant disrespect for people’s cultures.  I won’t even get into what is wrong with the traditional story of “Thanksgiving” that was probably taught as well.  The thought of sending my children to a school where they are taught to be ignorant of people’s cultures, including their own, is something that I cannot let happen. 

All of this got me thinking about the fact that my children are Black Americans and how they need to know their own history before they can (mis)understand someone else’s. So, if I do send them to an international school abroad would they be missing out on a formal education they could get at an African-Centered public , grassroots or charter school? In a neighborhood and surroundings that not only reflect others but themselves as well.  Of course, they will learn from my husband and I, but is it not important for them, particularly at a young age, to be immersed in their own culture?  Right now, I’m thinking that putting the children in elementary school in the United States where they can get the education that we, as parents, feel is appropriate, then moving them abroad. I mean, everyone knows that the foundation is the most important part of a stable home…right?

So, why do I still find myself doubting this idea?

Maybe if my own school experience wasn’t so traumatizing this situation would be a bit easier. I went to (and grew up in) a predominately white school district.  I’ve been called the “N-word,” dealt with ignorance from the ridiculously infamous “Can I touch your hair?” to “Hey Rukiya, what is that Bloods and Crips thing about anyways?”  Yes. It’s true. And I made through without catching a case (to my white readers-“catching a case” means “going to jail” in this particular situation it means, “punching you in the face and having the police called ….then going to jail”). I mean, hey, I actually turned out pretty good.

So, exactly how important is a formal education without parents who instill in you who you are (as mine did) from the very beginning? The conclusion I have come to is that it doesn’t matter as much where we send the children to school so long as we uphold our parental and human responsibility to educate our children ourselves. To explain to them what really went down on “Thanksgiving,” why they and their hair is beautiful (and to sucker punch anyone who touches it or them without their expressed permission- ok…maybe not), why their history is part of American history regardless of how much of it is swept under the rug, and why their history is part of the world’s history.

Bargaining 101

By: Meisha

In many non-Western cultures, bargaining is a necessity to do everything from getting taxis to purchasing souvenirs.  Unfortunately, many Westerners find this custom cumbersome and tedious.  Here are a couple of tips to ease your bargaining woes.  Put them into practice and I am sure you will find bargaining as enjoyable as I do!

Dantokpa, Benin, Largest Market in West Africa

Be patient.  Bargaining doesn’t happen quickly.  It takes time to get the price you want.  If you are in a bad mood or rushing, it probably isn’t the right time to bargain.  Your lack of patience, will probably lead you to be overcharged for everything!

Start bargaining minimally at half of the stated price.  Recognize that the locals are accustomed to foreigners paying more.  Even if you speak the local language or are dressed similarly to the locals, the merchant knows you are a foreigner and will double or even triple the real starting price.

Establish local benchmarks.  Forget how much you would pay for the item in your country of residence.  Instead ask a local, like the people working in your hotel, how much they pay for certain items.  Then use this as a benchmark to establish a fare price on items you want to purchase.  After one of your earlier purchases, feel free to also ask a hotel worker how much they would have paid. This will let you know if your bargaining is on target or if you should lower your base and final asking price.

Don’t start bargaining unless you really want to purchase the item.  In most places this is considered rude.  However, it is usually acceptable to look without purchasing.  In countries, where merchants are aggressive, you may even want to tell them you are just looking.

Leverage the first or last customer advantage.  In some cultures, selling to your first visitor is a sign of good luck for the rest of the day.  Likewise, if it is almost closing time, you are the merchant’s last chance to make money that day.  Use these facts as leverage points in your negotiations.

Be polite.  Please and thank you are welcomed in every country.  Also, learn local courtesies.  If it is respectable to refer to older people as Auntie or Uncle or greet before engaging in business, like it is in West African culture, incorporate these practices into your bargaining.  It will get you cool points with the merchant!

What’s your final price?  Before you start bargaining know how much you are willing to pay. Know what is your final or bottom price and stick to this price!

Be ok with walking away.  If the merchant isn’t willing to go down to your final price then walk away.  Nine times out of ten the person will follow after you because they really want the sell or you will find someone else with a similar item that will give you the price you want.  Living in Benin, I frequently went through at least 4 taxis before I would get in one because they knew I was a foreigner and wouldn’t transport me for the going rate.  It took some time and patience, but I always got the price I wanted.

Feel good about what you paid. You are certain to meet another tourist that purchased the same item for you at a lower price.  Just remember, if you feel you are being cheated or paying too much for an item don’t purchase it.  Also, at the end up the day no matter what anyone else pays, it is only important that you feel good about what you paid!

Just because there is a sticker price doesn’t mean you still can’t bargain.  If you are purchasing multiple items feel free to ask for a discount or better price.

Have fun with it.  I treat bargaining like a game.  I joke around with people.  I befriend merchants.  I spend more time, particularly at art markets, bargaining but I end up getting a deeper cultural experience out of it as well.  I have had so much fun bargaining, that I have enjoyed everything from a cup of mint tea to impromptu drumming lessons to being dressed up (make up and all) in the local fashions—all by merchants I just met.