By: Brittany S
Some of you may have heard a little bit
of my views on dating abroad during my interview, but here is a little bit
more. I know some are probably thinking,
here’s another one of those bitter articles written by someone during “Cuffing
Season” that doesn’t have a “Cuff Link.”
This isn’t one of those “#TEAMSINGLELADIES #TEAMINDEPENDENTWOMEN #TEAMIGOTMYOWN
#TEAMBADDESTCHICK” type of posts. Several
people have asked me to talk about my dating life, so before you dismiss my
views, hear me out! :-)
 |
| Thanks Judy Garland. |
I don’t think
we should work on finding “Mr. Right” when we are not together ourselves. Even a link won’t stay together if it isn’t
complete. We shouldn’t have holes in
ourselves and look for others to fill them.
If I feel something is missing in my life, I need to figure out how to
put it there on my own and think of a man as an ADDITION, not COMPLETION to my
life. We should be content with self and
not feel we “need a man.”
Now, in saying
this, I’m not saying I don’t WANT a man; I welcome him, whoever he may be. But I’m a firm believer in being in a
relationship because of the PERSON and not the RELATIONSHIP. I think oftentimes people decide to date just
so they can be with SOMEONE and not necessarily THE ONE. If we choose to date just for the sake of
dating, that’s fine. But we shouldn’t
later try to fit someone into a different equation than the one we initially
invited them into. If we choose to date
on a more personal level, then we should be a bit more selective and not just
date space-fillers.
How do I know? Because I used to do that. I met a Black man in Malaysia who hung out
with me for a total of about 6 hours and in that time he said to me—
“You’re
beautiful—inside and out. You’re the
type of woman my mom would be happy to meet.
You’re smart. You don’t speak
much, but it isn’t because you’re shy.
It’s because you only speak when you feel you have something valuable to
add to the conversation. You don’t speak
just to hear yourself talk. You’re
observant and protective…even of your heart.
You’re amazing, but you don’t know it.
You don’t think people really like you, like…men. But you’re beautiful. Really, you are.”
That resonated with me. As I sat there in awe of how he just
described me, my friend blurted out “YUP! Hahahahaha!!!” Really?
People could gather all of that about me from such a brief
interaction? That made me conscious of
the type of men I attracted, and the type I’d allowed to stay. I dated my first boyfriend because I was
turning 18 soon and had never been kissed, let alone had a boyfriend. So, I dated him as a rite of passage. I’ve been in relationships with others that I
realize I should not have dated from the start, either just for the sake of
dating, or because I thought they were as good as I was going to get. Something needed to change.
I
haven’t been in a relationship in almost three years. I haven’t really dated much since then
either. I told you this whole diatribe
to say this: A season of being
single, particularly in a foreign country, is a remarkable thing!
While we are
abroad, we look for something familiar, even if that is someone. But sometimes that person possesses the type
of familiarity that we really don’t need to reawaken. It’s easier to “settle” abroad, especially if
you don’t think of your new home as a permanent one. But here’s the thing—while we are settling,
we are hindering so many other things.
Being abroad is heavily a time of self-development in all areas. I know people who have gone abroad for mental
clarity, physical health, monetary gain…you name it! Whatever area(s) they felt weak in, they have
been able to strengthen it abroad. Why
complicate that with someone you don’t even care for? Furthermore, when you get past the threshold
of wanting to be with someone because you haven’t been with someone in a while
and deciding to fly solo until someone really catches your attention; you
become a more desirable person to others, including yourself.
I
don’t think that if you are in a relationship, you are clingy or can’t stand on
your own. Also, I am not saying that you
need to “force” the single period. Not
at all. If you are dating and/or in a
healthy relationship, that’s great! I
just hope you realize that if you feel lonely because you are not with someone
right now, that means you still have some more room to grow. Depend on self to bring you happiness. Don’t expect from others what you can’t
provide for yourself. Decide what you
really want out of this experience abroad.
Is your main goal a relationship?
Does being in a relationship prevent you from reaching your main
goal? What are you sacrificing by
staying single? What are you gaining?
I
would love to share this experience abroad with someone…now. Before, when I felt
like damaged goods and like I was hiding, what exactly would I have been
sharing…misery? But when I got over it,
I traveled, laughed harder, made new friends, strengthened old relationships,
and have seen/done things I never thought I would. Most importantly, I have become a better
companion. I like the idea of getting to
know a person on a friendly (non-physical) level and building on that. When we are physical, it clouds our judgment
and we make decisions based primarily on that.
What happens when that slows up or changes? But when you care about a person’s very
being, it strengthens everything else. I
have several guy friends that I have made in countries all over the world, and
even have crushes on a few. But I’m no
longer pressed to see “where things go” with them. I enjoy their company as is, and if things
progressed, cool. If not, *shrugs* cool.
Before, I was ready to add someone to my
life to help me complete it. Now, I have
so much going on in my life that it is so fulfilled that when I consider dating
someone, I think about how they need to bring something to the table to make up
for the room I will have to make for them.
This morning I booked tickets to the Bahamas with my best friend. We decided to go three days ago. Travel is a major part of my life now! If I am going to be with someone, could I see
myself traveling with them, or them being worth me foregoing a few trips? So for “Cuffing Season” I will remain
“uncuffed” and be on a beach somewhere with my bestie, content with life. Who knows, maybe next year someone different
will be catching some rays with me. But
in the meantime and forever, I’m living!
The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of
your dreams. –Oprah
