Friendships Abroad: Four to Make and Four to Break

By:  eternitysojourner

The folks you meet living abroad can be a mixed bag of nuts.  Most are sane and sober, fun to be around, and generally good company.  Others have issues, are clearly fleeing from their past demons, and make you wonder how they ever passed a background check.  Meeting all of them, in all their various shades and personalities, is part of the experience of life abroad which should not be neglected.  Being a hermit is no fun but if you happen to be abroad, take note of four types of friends that are worth keeping and four others that might be best left behind.

FOUR TO MAKE

Veteran Expat

Meeting someone who was once in your shoes but navigated their way through the expat transition is a great resource.  They’ve been inconvenienced by the fine print you failed to read and generally have realistic expectations about life in your new home.  Whether you want to get a local driver’s license or find your favorite treat from back home, they are usually the go-to person and can show you the ropes in the process.

Local/Near-Local

Everyone needs a local resident friend for a variety of sticky situations you may encounter.  Sometimes, the job is simple, like needing a translator or negotiating a reasonable buying price, but more than this, a friend who is a native of your new home can introduce you to a world that can be difficult to access without them.  Invitations to their family or communal gatherings can give you cultural insight and teach you how to relate to your new neighbors.  Many sincere people with good intentions have offended others or embarrassed themselves in cross-cultural interactions, and a reliable local friend can help to keep both to a minimum.

Nurturer

Whether you’ve suffered a headache or heartbreak, a nurturing presence can help you make it through.  They bring you soup when you’re sick or pick up small gifts to make you smile and generally brighten your greyest days.  After birthing my first child abroad, I was grateful to have stand-in family members visit me with gifts, cook food for our family and offer to clean our home.  Their gestures helped smooth out a challenging transition, and these are the kinds of friends everyone needs in their life.

Kindred Soul

Finding a companion to enjoy your favorite hobby, pastime, or quirky indulgence with is a great ally in living abroad.  While nature lovers almost always want a buddy to hike, climb, or snorkel with, even introverts can appreciate a friend or two who shares the same interests like reading, cooking, or watching episodes of your favorite sitcom series.  In my little town, we’ve formed a Raw Food Club.  We meet monthly to share new raw recipes and enjoy a raw meal together.  While some of us have nothing else in common with each other, it’s still great to have a common point of connection that we all benefit from.

FOUR TO BREAK

Pessimist

This is the grumpy expat who has nothing positive to say about anything, ever.  They complain about work, the weather, and everything in between.  They don’t like locals or expats, going out or staying in.  They can’t be pleased, and they’ll only bring you down with their gloom-and-doom outlook on life.  Living away from home is difficult enough without the perpetual grey-tint the pessimist will add to the sunniest of days.  Try to keep them at a distance, unless you’re planning an optimistic intervention.

Parasite

Oh, the dreaded parasite.  Even when you don’t have money, fame, or resources that anyone would want to extract, the parasite will mine your very being, draining your emotional and spiritual reserves bone-dry.  They are always taking and never giving in their presence and will ultimately leave your battery empty.  Watch for them carefully and don’t let them sink their fangs into your skin.  The Middle Ages are over and blood-letting by leeches is no longer the cure-all, okay?

Trouble Maker

This special somebody is always plotting something.  They can’t seem to follow the rules, no matter what the circumstances may be.  If this rabble-rouser wants to keep your company, be prepared for a penalty:  a night in jail, being kicked out of an establishment, or public shame.  Even silly, innocent pranks have turned into avoidable melees.  They get a kick out of telling outrageous stories, taking taboo pictures, and just generally being a nuisance. If you want to keep your image and repute in good standing, let the risk-taker paint the town red without you.

BFF Seeker

Unlike the Parasite, the BFF seeker is not trying to drain all that you’ve got but rather trying to bond the two of you in permanence.  They make clever suggestions like matching tattoos, becoming roommates, and opening IRAs together.   They’re usually innocent in their pursuit, but if you’re not in the market or on the market for being that one soul-mate-type friend that has to be anything and everything the other friends wants and needs, you might be in trouble.  Research suggests that it’s harder to find a best friend after your twenties.  Mostly because people become more settled in their values and views which makes them more selective about who they befriend. Also, your time and energy may become consumed by familial relationships and obligations.  This is all perfectly natural, which is why cultivating a network of friends to serve as a composite best friend may be a more efficient way to build friendships. 

The nature of life, especially life abroad, is very transient.  People come and go, sometimes without notice, so consider cherishing the friendships you have and what they mean to you at that given time, without a binding condition that the relationship must last ad infinitum.  If you do find a friend for life in your travels, that’s great, but be prepared for friendships that may only last for a given season, circumstance, or country.  Be open to the dynamic nature of life and let people flow in and out as needed.

 

The Scared Traveler: Saying Goodbye

The more I travel and strike up new friendships the more I have to part ways with those I find who have become my family. Growing up a middle child I never had an inkling of a feeling to be the focus of anyone’s attention. Maybe I did suffer from the fated middle child syndrome. The perpetual need to be in one’s own company due to lack of attention from those around you. As I've gotten older I find no need to abide by social rules when it comes to mere socializing with unfamiliar people. I've been regarded as standoffish and a social outcast among those that are the beautiful people of such circles. Having such a nature I take it to heart when inviting someone into my inner sphere. Those that I have gotten to know have come to realize like themselves I can be chatty, witty (sometimes) and an all around pleasant person whose company you can enjoy. When they are given the stamp of approval in my head I treat them like family, and will listen to them and give advice when needed.

Therefore, I have sought friends I can treat like family, and be able to share as I would those I'm connected to by blood. Living aboard I was lucky to find people not to share false acquaintances with, but to share true ideas and emotions. At times the relationship wasn't perfect, but what relationship has not been blemished. Through these friendships I've held council with those that offered the realist of advice, without the intention of offending, but with the goal of offering fresh perspectives to my troubled mind. I’ll be forever grateful to the few people that have touched my life, and they will be those that I will call on. For choosing such good friends of like mind, I was able to have wonderful experiences with them that I shall cherish for a lifetime.

Parting is such sweet sorrow (Romeo and Juliet Act 2 , Scene 2, 184) William Shakespeare

Going away day for celebrated with friends.

A quote I’m reminded of when I part with a friend I've come to share so much with. When having to part with people in our lives there is always a bitter-sweet feeling that’s consumes us, and cause for public displays of emotions. Images of the past cloud our minds of those that have captured our hearts in friendship. It seems as if we loose something in that moment of letting them go from our lives. Although, so much has been gained from the shared time it still doesn't lessen the blow we feel when saying goodbye. I'm no expert at goodbyes, and feel a sense of loss. No longer, are there moments when we laugh together in the same room nor of the vernaculars of each other’s home country we practice. These bitter-sweet moments are lost in a time we’ll never forget, but cherish each moment in each other’s presence that slips away every second that passes. Within one year, I will say goodbye to another friend I referred to as my family living aboard. Although, I'm dreading the passing of time, I know I can’t turn back time to enjoy being with each amazing person I met here in a foreign land.

For those finding themselves loosing such amazing people with the constant changing of time. Here are some helpful tips I use to help me cope with another friend moving somewhere else in the world.

  Skpye, Yahoo Messenger, MSN messenger, Facebook,Kakao, What’s App and Viber will keep you in constant contact with those that are far from you.

  Surrounding yourself with other people that you allow in your inner sphere will keep the feelings of loss at bay.

  Use free time that was once occupied by others for learning, exploring or embracing something totally different it develops itself into a hobby.

  Stay positive by your entire outlook on life. Everything is not a rose garden with delightful smells. Therefore, being positive about all things will give you clarity to your every changing life.

  Look towards your future, as one day you will be moving on to better things that will make your heart content with all the experiences you have experienced on the journey you embarked upon.

Lewis, Courtney, Nas and Myself at Incheon Airport

I'm following these ideas to keep my mind in such a state I've a positive outlook on all things in my life. It’s not a perfect work of art when it comes to such things, but I don’t wallow in my changing circumstance. But I embrace all the experiences I've had that have made me such a person that my memories are those that I cherish to heart. When people enter and leave my life, I'm forever grateful and changed from that experience. 

The Scared Traveler: Finding the Right Travel Partner

Travelling the world alone is an experience in itself. Being able to navigate through the many obstacles that present themselves in your path is a test of endurance and patience. But when the road is taken with friends it’s a blessing in disguise. The company of close friends brings about a different atmosphere. Worries no longer exist, because things that are indelibly you, are put at ease in familiar company. Those that don’t enjoy the luxury of familiar company, travel alone. But when time permits itself for new introductions it’s the perfect opportunity to become acquainted with new friendships. When choosing new friendships it’s important to look for those qualities that will not clash with your own, because once you leap into an adventure with someone regrets can emerge. 

Take these helpful tips when choosing new acquaintance for your journey in the world, for they will save you a headache in the long run. 

Frugal vs. Carefree
There is nothing wrong with being thrifty with money. At some point in time many of us find ourselves being thrifty with our own money. Although, being frugal varies by degree there is one thing that should be kept in mind when travelling  People of inequality spending ideologies are not always the perfect travel partners. Someone who’s more or less a spendthrift should be mindful of those that aren't. One will find inequalities with room amenities (4 or 5 star hotels vs. cheap multi-room lodging), choice in food selection (pricey restaurants vs. convenience store fare) and transportation (hiring of private cars or taxis vs. buses and subways). No matter your spending preference, it’s best to keep in mind that you may be travelling alone if these differences are an issue. 

Church goers vs. Bars and Club goers
As in all things in life there are people who hold strong religious ideologies than many others. These views will affect how they see the outside world, and who they surround themselves with. Although, they hold no offense towards others, the way they behave may be conservative. These degrees of conservatism vary person by person. One’s idea of a good time may be dancing and drinking while another’s view would see these in a bad light. It would be best to avoid awkward conversation or not place yourself in a position where your morals will be under fire by someone that beliefs are more conservative than your own. In the end you will feel miserable having to spend your time in the company of another’s, whose company you wish to avoid. 

Argumentative vs. Freedom of Speech
For those that believe everyone has a right to voice opinions they hold dear to their hearts whether those beliefs conflict with others or reality, they still have that right to share their ideas without being verbally crucified by those that hold no such ideas. There are times people encounter those that look down on the opinions of others in such a fierce way it’s unfathomable to believe that such ideas would warrant such passionate responses. When such things occur one would find themselves in two positions. That is either as an even fiercer responder towards the instigator or using the freedom of speech card. By playing this card, you present the idea of everyone having the right to believe in anything, because at the end of the day opinions hurt no one. This card more likely would keep an argument from ensuing, but there is a small percentage of failure. Keep in mind when travelling with others; avoid those that are boastful of their own opinions. 

Decisive vs. Indecisive 
For those that find making a decision a long drawn out process, it’s best to avoid those that are quick deciders. Indecisiveness brings out the worst in others who hold quick decisions to heart. It’s best to travel with people of like minds in the decision making process. Be mindful of this trait when choosing that perfect partner. 

Young vs. Mature
For years I've pondered why my grandmother chooses to travel lengthy trips around the world with others close to her age. Although, she has invited me along on a trip with seventy year old women, which I pondered for a minute and kindly declined her offer. Knowing the fact full well that grandmothers are grandmothers, and will embarrass you no matter what. My grandmother graduated from the school of infallible jokes. Being the jest for her friends is not something I would want to remember in this lifetime. Since I was at the age of nearly easy embarrassment I could not hold my own in her endless supply of streaming jokes. I have noticed as I have gotten older I'm sort of like my grandmother besides the joking, but I'm more comfortable with people in my age group with shared experiences. I know travelling with someone far younger than myself would make for awkward conversations, and little to find common ground. With that being said, age can be a barrier when travelling and travelling with people older or younger may be difficult. 

I, myself know the importance of choosing the right person or group to engage certain activities with. Unfamiliar acquaintances or those you are barely familiar with can present challenges on your adventure if you are travelling together. Please keep these tips in mind from my experiences to avoid future upsets, and having a lonely trip when your intentions were to travel with someone counters acts what you originally intended to do in the first place. To avoid a lonely, awkward or downright horrid trip find your travel mate based on common ground.